November is Adoption Awareness Month. As an active participant and student in the adoption community, I experience an onslaught of differing opinions on adoption during the month. And I have purposely tried to minimize my voice in the adoption community in order to make more room for adoptees and birthparents to be heard. On this last day of November, I am sharing some thoughts that I have hashed out for 30 days (and 5 years if I think about it) with my family, friends, adoptees and first moms. It can be so confusing trying to sort out all the voices in adoption, validate everyone’s experience, and yet see the world through the lens that God gives us when we have a relationship with him. Mostly, I have been very frustrated by the oversimplification of adoption coming from some adoptive parents in light of the immense loss that adoptees and first families experience in adoption.
For me, Adoption Awareness Month has been a bit exhausting as I have tried to learn from all members of the triad and everyone is in overdrive for sharing their viewpoint. Some of these viewpoints conflict. On one side, I cheer with those who are pro-adoption are so excited and want to celebrate. And on the other side, I feel confused and sad because there are so many adoptees and first moms who have been deeply hurt because of adoption related issues. I am pained when adoptees feel dismissed and unheard by adoptive families. I am trying to sit in places where adoptee and first family voices are valued. I NEED to hear the good, the bad and the ugly to get a picture of what adoptees and first families really experience in their individual adoption stories. I work hard to listen to adoptees and first families. I want to hear adoptees share their hurts and struggles and joys and frustrations pertaining to adoption. And this month I have even more so, as a lot of adoptees are sharing their response to the Adoption Awareness action on social media. Many birthmoms regret their adoption plan, felt coerced or did not have sufficient support to parent. Some literally had their children bought or stolen from them. Many adoptees feel abandoned, struggle to have healthy relationships, mourn the loss of birth culture, cope with survivor’s guilt or struggle with their identity when so many things are missing from their story. Again, some were stolen or bought by child traffickers! The reactions can be hard to hear, controversial or might not make sense to us at first, but they ARE valid. I understand the frustration over things like #wecouldhavemissedthis (when the first families ARE missing this, or adoptees are missing their birth culture or families), and #adoptionrocks or the smiley face hand on world adoption day because these things can oversimplify the complexities of adoption.
We as adoptive parents can’t just say, “oh suck it up”, to adoptees who feel we make adoption sunshine and rainbows. We cannot say they are bitter or ungrateful. In many ways, they may be the voice of our children. We MUST listen and learn. We hurt our children when we deny these voices a chance to teach us. I can learn from adoptees who understand the complexities first hand and also strive to see adoption in light of who Jesus is. If I am honest, I struggle with how to process a lot of what I hear and read, and I am learning that I come to different conclusions about some of the complexities about adoption because of my worldview. I also talk to adoptees who feel unconditionally loved, who have experienced healing in some areas of loss, are happy they are adopted and who are also first moms or adoptive parents themselves! I read blogs written by birthmoms who feel the pain of loss, but are also content with their adoption plan. I see the joy of adoption from MY angle, but I want to shout it out that adoption it is complicated. Adoption rocks AND it is complicated. It is not just one or the other. It is not just family preservation OR adoption. We don’t have to choose between being pro-adoption, pro-life and pro-family. We can and should be ALL of these.
A lot of my views on adoption are based on my beliefs as a Christian who is working daily to follow Christ. My worldview is based on the belief that God created the world. Since he created the world, he knows how it works best and is therefore in charge of it. Still, he has given us free will. Horrible things happen because people have free will. A lot of horrible things have happened in adoption because of free will. My belief in God helps me come to far different conclusions about sad, hurtful, scary, or dangerous situations that many people have faced within adoption because I see purpose in my life, or anyone’s life. I believe my purpose is not necessarily for my comfort and happiness (although I do think God delights in that too!) but it is for God’s Glory. Horrible, criminal or negligent things have happened in the name of adoption! This is wrong and there is NO excuse for it. It makes me ashamed. It makes me wonder how my voice on adoption matters contributes to or advocates against these wrongs. Thankfully, God can make beauty from any ashes. Things that matter for eternity are the things that really, truly matter here too, and so it is sometimes easier for me to see the beauty in the brokenness of adoption. I want to recognize the hurt, and work towards fixing what is broken and I also want to celebrate the beautiful redemption that adoption can be when we give our lives to Christ. Adoption always comes from loss, it is insulting to try to negate that reality. Without diminishing the loss at all, I do believe that God works all things for HIS glory, and also for our good in view of eternity!
I am blessed so much with two beautiful daughters- loved by their first moms and us! We so admire and love our daughter’s biological moms and appreciate having contact with them. My girls were both relinquished close to birth and their moms made adoption plans for them. I see the value in their moms having choice and control the adoption process, as well as their moms choosing life rather than abortion and choosing adoption rather than trying to parent in poor circumstances and then having their children enter the process of adoption later in life if necessary. I KNOW our girls firstmoms had (and have) deep, deep love for their girls and that is what compelled them to make an adoption plan. When I say I love adoption, it does not mean that I deny the complexities and loss of adoption.
As much as I am pro-adoption, and wish more families would adopt, I have been frustrated by the push for families to adopt, when in truth MANY families SHOULD NOT adopt if they are not ready and willing to learn about loss, attachment, parenting children from hard places, racial issues, cultural issues. They should not adopt if they are not willing to change their lifestyle or parenting style to what will be best for an adopted child. There are many sad stories of children who were adopted only to find that their adoptive parents were not prepared or educated to parent them well. This is NEVER their fault. It is the fault of the adoptive parents. This is a preventable tragedy in an already tragic story. Christians are often guilty of pushing adoption as the “right” thing since we are called to do a lot of things in sacrificial giving for others. This can lead to dangerous savior mentality and can do a lot more harm than good. Just because adoption CAN be a metaphor of the gospel does not mean it ALWAYS is. Sometimes it is a crime.
I still haven’t sorted out all my feelings on the complexities of adoption. I may never sort out all my feeling about adoption. There is no one solution to all the problems in adoption. I still don’t know how to respond to a lot of individual hurts. But here are a few conclusions for today. We need to listen to all members of the triad. We must acknowledge loss. Recognize the faults in the various adoption systems. Work for family preservation. Choose life. Change the things that are not working. Fight corruption. Refuse to place our comfort or happiness over what is right or best for our children or our children’s first families. We need to love Jesus first, and be willing to love others around with self-sacrificing love just like He does.
Lanaya
(from a blog post written November, 30 2016)
