It has been just over a year since the adoption of our daughter, Cora, was completed and she was finally able to come home to our family. It has been a hard year but a good year. I don’t think I really understood how those two could work together. Or how true it is when adoptive families use this phrase. The reason I know it is true, is that when I try to explain it to people, this is simply the best way to describe the joys and difficulties of the last year without going into all the details. So yes, in short it has been hard but very, very good. The good does not negate the difficulties, and neither does the hard negate the goodness.
Meeting Cora the first day was really quite euphoric for me. I was so excited that my long awaited dream was finally coming true. I had prayed, in fact begged, God for this sweet girl to join our family. Preparing for the “worst” through reading books, and talking with other experienced adoptive parents, and reading the thoughts of transracial adoptees, and also praying in faith that God’s grace would protect Cora’s vulnerable heart and prepare her to be loved by us. I can say with full confidence that God did exactly that: She was so ready to attach to us. She is so eager to love and be loved. This is a beautiful thing that God has instilled in her. So unlikely, and so beautiful.
Although it was exciting and good and felt so right when we finally were able to bring Cora home and begin the task of becoming a family of four, it was rightfully stressful. Some of the things that added underlying stress, were simple things like not knowing if she felt safe or afraid, wanting to be fair to each child though they needed different things, wondering if how well things were going the first few weeks in Taiwan was the “honeymoon” phase that many adoptive families experience. The hypervigilance was exhausting (imagine how SHE felt!). Not only was it exhausting to now parent two children at similar stages of life simply because it was double the work, but it was hard to be intentional about bonding which took more energy than we felt we had to give in those moments.
Then there were the truly difficult and painful things. Lucy, in many ways, expressed her trauma over the change in the most frustrating ways. She felt displaced and made sure we all knew by treating her sister badly and becoming much less compliant. On top of becoming a much less pleasant child to deal with, it was much more difficult to help her with her current attitude quickly, since we also had to think very much of the new little person who was making her discomfort a bit less known. I remember those days were very long. I had little patience and a lot of frustration at having “lost” my sweet, happy eldest. I was mourning the loss of my previous relationship with her.
I also found attaching to Cora very difficult. While she seemed to be bonding well with Shawn and me, we both felt this was slower in coming for us. I knew many adoptive parents struggle with this, so I was prepared for this possibility. Never the less, it made me feel guilty not to have the same feelings towards her as I did for my eldest. I “knew” I loved her and it could come with time, but I just wished that I could have the same compassion and understanding and yearning for her as I did for my eldest. So many wonderful mommy-friends were huge supports to me in this journey as I worked to be honest about my feelings and allow them to encourage and pray for me. I knew that I treated Cora differently, but truthfully I felt differently, and I didn’t really know what could change that other than time and God’s love in me. I found that snuggling was best for me. She did it well and I have been very thankful that she still uses soothers. I think that snuggling kicked in my biological instincts as a mother and allowed me a few of those moments I would have had with her as a newborn.
Any energy for other relationships beyond those with our children also went to the back burner, as the energy to simply get through the day often drained Shawn and myself. It was a tough year for dating each other as cocooning made it difficult to have time alone or time away. Cora was especially clingy to me, which I found to have the opposite effect that many people might find for attachment. It was great for HER attachment, but made me feel claustrophobic. I felt like I lost all my identity as wife, woman, friend, youth leader, or even as an individual for the role of “mamma”. I was used to being a stay at home parent, as well as working one day a week, and volunteering a lot at church. I did not like the feeling that I couldn’t easily get away, or that getting away took almost more energy than it was worth.
But because this last year is hard AND good. I can’t just leave it at the list of hard things. The good things do outweigh them without contest. Cora is the sweetest helper that I could have imagined. She is loving and compassionate and intuitive. I can’t wait to see what she grows into and how God uses her. She is so beautiful. I am in awe of her outward beauty, and inspired by the beauty inside, I have no doubt that her love for others will far exceed my own. Lucy and Cora have learned, and continue to learn, how to be sisters. They play so sweetly at times. They are BOTH potty trained. They both love church and singing and Macdonalds. Cora loves music. I am so excited to see where that will take her. Shawn and I have had more dates in the last 2 months than the previous 6 combined. The girls both feel safe and comfortable with a few sitters, and it has been good for us to feel like we have a longer tether. Cora loves her grandparents, Pappas especially, and does so well at family gatherings now. We pray for two beautiful first moms every day. Cora feels safe enough to go to things like Kids Quest and the sitters with a big hug- she is just clingy enough for me to feel she is attaching well, and secure enough for me to go. She eats everything under the sun. She sleeps so well (oh please let’s do afternoon nap for a few more years…) and she likes to play with dolls in her sweet, nurturing way. Shawn and I are coming on 10 years of marriage this year with two beautiful daughters. AND spring is coming!
As we battle these challenges, I believe it is refining us. It brought out more of my sin that I ever thought it would. It has shamed me, taught me, scared me, and I *hope* is making me more holy. I actually don’t think I am better at doing anything practical that I was 14 months ago. In fact, I think I just understand a bit better how limited I am. But I think that is OK. I still remain determinedly optimistic about life, and I look forward to what God will bring us in the coming years.
Lanaya
(written March 2017)
