Today our little girl on the other side of the ocean turns two. And she is not home. For those who know me well, and maybe even those of you who don’t even know me that well, you know that this week I have cried a river over how hard this is. I have prayed for the last 7 months that I would spend this day with my two daughters, but it did not happen.
There are many things to be thankful for right now, but there are so many things that make this day HARD,so the day is very bittersweet. Bitter because it is not the day that I wanted it to be, but sweet because of the little girl who came into the world 2 years ago and will become our daughter.
So, on this bittersweet day, here are the things that are sweet:
- She was created and is loved by an amazing God who has a plan for her life.
2. She has had the experience of a wonderful foster family.
3. She is well cared for in an orphanage with people who love children.
4. She has a courageous mother who chose to make an adoption plan for her in a country where ¾ of pregnancies end in abortion.
5. She is going to be ours.
I am so thankful for this list. And even though I feel as though my heart is bruised by this “no” answer to my prayers and I am so sad that I am here and she is there, I do have much to be thankful for as well. We all know that when life is tough, it gets difficult to remember to be thankful, so a list is a good way to keep my perspective.
Here are the things that feel bitter:
- She is not home… yet.
2. Lucy is missing her sister.
3. This is a milestone day, and each day is a day where she is growing up and I am missing it.
5. The older she gets the more potential there is for a difficult transition and attachment.
6. I know that the more losses she experiences the less trust she will place in me.
As much joy and gain as there is in adoption, there is an equal measure of grief and loss. The loss of first families, the loss of caregivers along the way to our home, the loss of birth country and the loss of time as a forever family. I worry that my daughter’s losses will compound to more than her little two year old heart can take.
While messaging with a fellow adoptive mama, she was sharing the immense battles that friends of hers have undergone to adopt their children. I wrote back to her “Adoption is not for the faint of heart. We all have scars along the way, but I think we’d all say it was worth it in the end”. I will have scars from this journey, so will she, so will her first mom. So many of you fellow adopting parents know exactly what we’re going through. You’ve done these tough waiting periods- before and after matches. Two of the most difficult times of my life have been on the tail end of each of our adoptions, but amid the loss, and in truth because of it, we will also have immense gain. We will have many things that we would never know without this journey. We will gain love and gratefulness for first families, temporary caregivers, and a beautiful birth county. We will gain an appreciation for time in the future that perhaps we would have taken for granted. All of these losses culminate in gains for our families and our community.
I will not give up praying for the miracle of bringing my second baby girl home soon. This summer I have had various scripture verses about miracles on my chalk board to see and remember regularly, and I find myself clinging to these verses. The God who performs miracles will do so in my life and in hers. In my heart and in hers. We pray so deeply for miracles in her birthmom’s life as well. Our scars will be healed and God will be glorified because of it. Keep praying for us, please.
You are the God who performs miracles. You display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:14
Lanaya
(from a blog post written September 20, 2015)
