Today I dropped my oldest child off at her very first day of preschool. I was not as emotional as I was afraid I would be. Just very excited for her and a little nervous that she would not love it as much as I thought she would. Even though I had no tears, I am still very cognizant of the change in her life.
As cliché as it is, it is the first day of the rest of her life. Of course every day is the first day of the rest of our lives, but some moments are significant in marking a new stage of life. Exciting things like a first car, a finalized adoption, a convocation, a retirement party, or maybe some really tough moments like a breakup, signing termination of parental rights, or an accident, are measurable marks for change. Some we see immediately, and some we only recognize in hindsight.
So our morning walk to pre-school and the sitter, had me musing about change. About how different eras of our life often begin with these special moments and days. In so many ways I am a different person than I was 10 or 15 years ago. And in many ways I am much the same. Although my firm foundation in Christ never shakes, I have some different challenges, blessings, insecurities and anchors than I did in past seasons- not making those seasons better or worse that my present one, but changing me none-the-less. The reasons for which I worried what others would think of me when I was 16 are much different than the reasons I wonder what others judge me for now. The insecurities of my changing body or parenting choices are different than worrying about boys who liked me or getting good grades, but there are beautiful and painful things about each of these life stages.
The last six months have been challenging in many ways, pretty much all stemming from our attempts to integrate a terrified 2 and a half year old into our family. But one of the biggest things for me is that I have questioned my identity more than I ever remember doing so before. I have found that since I became a mother of two I have been trying desperately to drag my suffocating identity out from under MOTHERHOOD. I love my girls, I love being a parent… I even love being a stay-at-home-parent. But somehow in the insane amount of work it is to deliberately cocoon and attach to a newly adopted daughter, I began to feel like I was drowning in parenthood. Not just tired, or alone or busy. But like I had no autonomy to be anything other than “mom”. I felt like my other roles got swept away, and me with them. I wanted so badly to bring Cora home, but while she was amazing, I was not feeling amazing about myself. I felt like I just needed to escape in order to get myself back. I LOVE life. What was wrong with me that I was feeling so grumpy, frumpy, and tired (besides the obvious emotional and physical marathon of attachment)?
God has shown me that my life is not my own in a new way. I did not question my identity in Christ as his creation, but my identity as Lanaya. I have had to learn so much more about my identity in Christ, as his follower- completely surrendering myself to God. To really give up so much of who I am in order to welcome a child into our home, in the way they need, for as long as it takes before we can move out of our bubble. These growing pains have been, well, PAINFUL. So much of my selfishness came out in a way that I didn’t even really know how to deal with it. It is difficult to decipher the emotional needs from the wants. And it took me a while to realize that giving my life to Christ right now looked like really intense parenting! Maybe my identity as a follower of Christ will ebb and flow depending on what he’s calling me to do. And like so many things hind-sight is 20/20. And I am happy to say that much of the intense cocooning is lessening and we are able to enjoy the world around us a bit more.
Speaking of life changes, Cora has had the wildest ride of us all. I praise God that Cora was so ready to attach to us. That he protected her little heart from bitterness and made it ready for us. She is so sweet and she has done so well with attachment. I could not be more grateful for the miracle that God has worked in giving us such a good beginning. But as an extrovert, it has been so insanely hard for me to step away from other relationships for this season, in order to parent MORE. Not better (oh I have failed so much this past 6 months), but just to let Cora be a little barnacle.
So for me change is exciting right now! I am excited to this new season, this new era of family life. We have had a lot of firsts in the last 6 months since traveling to Taiwan (for the first time). I am so excited for Lucy and Cora to go out in the world and experience these firsts, to follow Jesus, to find their identity in him, and to find out who they are in other ways as their lives grow and change- as they become students and friends and disciples and mentors and maybe even mothers themselves.
Lanaya
(from a blog post written September 7, 2016)
