It has been so much fun and such an honour to share and review so many books with the online adoption community. I have been blown away by the response I’ve received from one tiny little Instagram account. Often I hear the question, “When are YOU going to write a book”? It’s so sweet and I feel so flattered, but honestly, every time I think about it my mind thinks quietly, “maybe never…”
It’s not because I don’t have anything to say (if you know me you know how true this is) or that I wouldn’t love to see my work in print (what an accomplishment!), it’s that there is no way to extricate the details of MY journey of faith, adoption, parenthood, and healing from those of the children who have miraculously called me their mother. Hear me well- my story matters and I can tell my story. But it’s more important for me to protect my daughter’s stories right now than it is for me to share mine with everyone. I have a few special people to whom I have entrusted many parts of their story in order to ease the burden of things too heavy to carry on my own, but the truth is, that is a very, very small circle.
It is not fair for others to know my child’s story before they know it themselves. Each of my children has very hard things in their history, much like you and your children. I already feel burdened over things I shared before I knew better. I wish I could take back some of the information that friends and family now know as a result of my oversharing. Adoptees deserve to know the full truth of their own lives, and how we talk about their stories will evolve as they each grow and mature. I am not saying we withold their story from them. We’ve all heard cringe-worthy stories of kids finding out on the playground that their mom cheated on their dad, or hearing from their cousin that their big brother isn’t their full sibling. This is not fair! It is up to us as the adult to guard their story and make sure they hear from a safe source.
I also believe that our children deeply need us to model discretion. Notice, discretion is not secrecy. Secrecy comes from shame, but privacy comes from safe boundaries. If we are unwilling to tell friends and family, “Sorry that’s private” then how will children learn that they may do so? By maintaining our boundaries for sharing, we empower our children to set their own and stick to them. I’m not saying this is easy, but let’s be motivated to do it well.
I recently observed a discussion on a FB page for transracial adoptees and families about an author asking for advice about a book she was writing. She was writing about her story, but asking adult adoptees to give their thoughts on whether a teenager was old enough to give consent for details she would include in her book. Needless to say, in this group that prioritizes adoptee voices, the conversation did not end well. The more I thought about it if I were the hopeful author, the more I just kept thinking, It’s just not that long to wait until they are adults. When our children are 20 or 30 or even older, the story will still be there. And it will be richer and fuller, and packed with adversity, courage and triumph we can’t even imagine yet.
I think that we as adoptive parents sometimes feel frustrated by all that adoption requires of us- each one of us may feel something different. There are times when the challenges of adoptive parenting chafe. But it always comes back around to this being MY choice. No one chose this for me. It was not caused by infertility, or guilt, or anything else you might fill in the blank. I own my choices. I am proud of the way my family is made. My children were the only ones in this triad without a choice. I can take responsibility for the life I chose and protect the things they had no choice over. Accidentally explaining things that my adult children may one day wish I hadn’t shared isn’t worth whatever I might gain from writing my story now.
So, press on guardian mother (or father) hold that shield high and with conviction. Advocate for the oppressed, seek justice, press on toward higher standards of adoption ethics, and in it all, know that the stories you guard are more important than any lesson an outsider could learn.
Lanaya
