Here is my second post for Adoption Awareness Month 2017. As I shared in the last post, I took on the A-Z challenge by birth mother, Ashley Mitchell to choose a word pertaining to adoption to describe each day in November and I have compiled them here to share with you. Apparently I am long winded (even after paring down my Instagram posts!!)- so I am sharing them in several posts for my non-instagram friends and family. If you missed A-E, check out the last post to see the start of the alphabet posts.
Here goes Adoption from F to I:
Forever: I know this seems obvious, right? But I think that when you grow up in a family with permanency we tend to take it for granted and forget what a big deal this is. Imagine how constantly changing nannies or homes would affect your heart and mind? Or that of your child, niece, nephew, grandchild or friend? How can we learn to return and accept love and trust and security when we are constantly in limbo and being hurt? Honestly, we can’t! This is why we use the term “forever family”- because change is the norm for children who are waiting to be adopted or to return to their biological family after foster care. That is why there is value in moms choosing adoption prior to their child’s birth when they know they will not be able to parent. It gives them choice in selecting a family that they want for their child and themselves, and it gives their child permanence from day one.
Grace: What better G word than grace. In adoption, we need grace to understand each other. Grace for first families and grace for children. I hope my children can offer me grace one day for all the mistakes I make as I fumble my way through parenthood. I pray constantly that God’s grace will cover my faults and my children’s hurts. The only one with enough, perfect grace is Jesus. I am so thankful his grace is greater than my sin.
Honesty: I have small children so our conversations about adoption are frequent but simple. The girls know they are adopted rather than growing in my body like how they see our friends’ bodies grow with new life. The girls know who their first moms are, that they grew in their moms’ bellies before they were born, and that their first moms were not able to care for them when they were born. I do not believe that there is a magical age when adoptees should find out about their adoption, so although my children are young and we have not had to tackle a lot of the challenging facts about how and why they came into our family, I firmly believe that a child’s story is their own and they have a right to it as it is appropriate and they are able to understand- which honestly might be younger than you think you would talk to your bio kids about a similar issue. I am sure I will struggle with navigating this as they grow, but I think it is important to be honest and never lie about their story. The other part of our word today is that I do not have to be open about all of this to YOU. It is, after all, THEIR story. So, I will be vague about impertinent questions, and then I will tell you that it is their story and it is not fair for other people to know things about their life before they themselves do and can decide to share or not share. I am so appreciative of the adoptees who have used their voice to impress upon me the importance of this!
Isolation: I think this is a word that all 3 members of the adoption triad can relate to. I have heard so many adoptees share their feelings on this topic, whether it is because they feel alienated as the only person of colour in their school/home/workplace or because they do not have anyone who understands or validates their complex feelings. I have also heard first moms talk about their feelings of loneliness on the journey- especially when others are judgmental and accusatory. For me, I have experienced great feelings of isolation in the waiting season when there are just so few people who understand the feeling of waiting for your child who is half a world away. I have also felt this immensely in the past 18 months since bringing our second child home from Taiwan. As an extrovert, the need for cacooning is slightly depressing for me, even though I know it is necessary. I have also felt alone in this tough season of parenting two children going through traumatic life change who are so close in age. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing! I actually found a lot of comfort in fellow adoptive moms on social media right after coming home from Taiwan just because I needed to know I was not the only one. We all need community no matter where we are in the adoption triad. I am so glad that the resources for all members of the triad are growing so we can all learn from each other and those who know what we are growing through.
Lanaya – November 2017
